Crunch

It is at times like these that I desperately wish my body would allow me to physically cry, instead of this bizarre uncomfortable and un-relieving feeling that I could explode with tears, pressure building.

I'm completely empty, and almost couldn't get out of bed this morning from pain and my body going completely stiff. But I made it out, and I'm here at work. Still not thinking clearly, still unable to concentrate, still numb from who-knows-what my nerves are feeling. Or maybe they really aren't feeling anything; maybe they are gone.

All this to say, it's been quite a miracle today that I've even made it to this point. I hope I get home safely.

Lord, I don't feel like I am in touch with you right now, more like I'm choosing to live in this odd place; but I don't want to. I also wonder if it is wise to continue living here physically; maybe it's wise to move on. But I don't know how I could - a few things bind me here. So perhaps you do want me here? It's just so hard to watch. And feel. Carry me through to the other side, for I fear I'll be unconscious by the time I get there.

Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

Lack of faith. Go back 6 places.

I displayed an utter lack of faith today, as I took matters into my own hands. I had decided what was right and what was not and I was determined to make sure I expounded upon that fact.

Oh we foolish men who speak out of turn, who bring every convincing word and evidence to bear before our unstoppable force of proof. And there walks off a young one, crushed under the weight of evidence, weeping and searching for a dark corner in which to hide.

Is it truth? Yes. Was it spoken in love? Uh, maybe? Was it spoken with grace and forbearance? No. This too is a failure.

Lord teach me faith and love; teach me to love as you do and to have faith that you are not human.

Strength

As Greg was speaking tonight, I had a thought. He was reading about when Moses went up on the mountain of God in Exodus and God told him to bring the people near. He went down off the mountain and consecrated the people...

Consecrated? He told them to prepare themselves and wash their garments, etc.

I had an offhand thought wondering about how much water that much use, and if there was even enough to drink in that camp at the time. Then I thought to myself, "of course if they had enough faith, they would have plenty of water. Right?"

Then it hit me.

I am going through more grueling torture than I can remember ever having experienced before; this pain is exquisite and at times I don't know how I can bear it. I have been crumbling all day long and falling asleep as the only way my body knows how to deal with it.

Why? Well, here I am and I have finally begun to attempt to do what God says. I am very bad at this and need much practice, but I have been on the edge (even crossing back once or twice) of not wanting to continue this. But I have been given enough strength by God thus far.

But regardless of difficulty, it is without doubt that I know if I ask in faith for the strength to move forward still, He will give it. Just like that. But my faith is so weak, that I am as able to ask for strength as they Israelites were to ask for water.

This too must change.